Why My Default Response to Problems Is to Reframe Them

TL;DR: When something goes wrong, my first move is to ask what the problem is really pointing at. It’s how a job placement I didn’t want turned into business school, and it’s also why I can be too busy fixing problems to listen to the people closest to me. Here’s how the habit works for me, where it backfires, and what I’m trying to do about it.

The time Turner put me in purchasing

One of my first jobs out of college was helping to build the NY Police Academy project at Turner. I had a ton of fun on the job, worked with incredible people, some of whom have become lifelong friends, and learned so much about construction project management. When it wound down, I wanted to step out of the field and move into the cost department, because data and Excel makes me really happy. Instead, they put me in purchasing.

Looking back, I believe my project executive had good intentions and wanted the best for me. Purchasing is where Turner’s rising stars go to build subcontractor relationships and become indispensable. However, it was just not what I wanted. Maybe I already knew then that I was not meant to be in construction management forever.

I was super bummed out, but I didn’t know what to do. I literally went from loving every day of work at the Police Academy to having the Sunday Scaries in Purchasing. I interviewed and received a job offer at another construction company, but I couldn’t take it because it didn’t feel right- it felt like I was moving whatever problem I was really dealing with to another company. I couldn’t stay disliking my job for long though.

I’ve never met a problem I didn’t want to solve, but when it comes to fixing things, I’ve learned that I can’t just brute force my way through, and I need to listen to what the world is trying to tell me too.

It’s a little bit hard to explain, but the solution eventually came to me in the middle of a 30-day Bikram Yoga challenge. I was lying on top of my yoga mat in a sticky humid 105°F room, heart pounding and full of sweat, cooling off in savasana, when it just clicked- I need to go to business school.

In hindsight, I see now that purchasing wasn’t just the wrong department. Turner had become the wrong container for what I wanted to build.

What I appreciate about myself is that I really dislike complaining without trying to change the situation. I really believe that if something bothers you, you have to either change the situation or change your mindset.

When life stops feeling easy, my default is not to ask “why did this happen to me?” but to ask “what is the problem actually telling me?”

So far, I have had a 100% success rate with turning problems into opportunities, but this need to solution-architect my life isn’t always rainbows and sunshine. Sometimes I find it hard to connect with others who need to vent or complain because I’m too busy trying to fix their problem to actually listen. In this post, I’d like to analyze why I am this way and understand how I can improve.

Why I think I’m like this

I don’t think there’s one answer, but I can see three things that probably feed into it.

My mom. She worked seven days a week when I was growing up, and she never complained about it. The Chinese idiom she taught me is 先苦後甜 (hardship before sweetness), and I watched it work for her. I will be forever in awe of how my mom never once said anything about how hard her life was, and she just did it. Thus, I strongly do not believe I have anything to complain about, because my life has been 100x easier than my mom’s due to her hard work and perseverance.

My training. I studied civil engineering and spent years in construction project management. In my systems thinker post, I wrote about how this background taught me to think about downstream impacts and many steps ahead. I think it also trained me to see a problem as something to solve, not something to sit in. We used to joke that if there weren’t any fires to be put out, we’d be out of a job, so I innately believe problems are opportunities.

How I’m wired. I treat my personality results as data points, not destiny, and a couple of them fit this habit. One of my CliftonStrengths is Connectedness, the belief that things happen for a reason, which is basically my “listen to what the world is trying to tell me” instinct. My Big Five score for Neuroticism was also low, at 20%, which means I don’t get rattled easily.

I also believe a low-drama life is mostly a choice. I’d rather put my energy into changing something than into complaining about it.

Why this works for me

Reframing doesn’t mean I skip the hard feelings. I get sad, mad, rejected and depressed like anyone else. I just don’t stay there long, and I try to work through it on my own as much as I can.

The upside is that I don’t stay stuck. Between work and two kids, I don’t have a lot of spare hours, so bouncing back quickly matters. And when I ask what a problem is telling me, I can find the clarity to figure out a next step.

When something goes wrong, these are the questions I ask myself:

• What is this problem actually telling me?
• Can I change the situation, or do I need to change my mindset?
• What’s one next step I can take?

One of the ways this usually shows up for me is in purchases- perhaps to an outsider it may seem like I overanalyze my spending and penny pinch, but in reality I use price as a gauge of whether or not I am meant to make a purchase or a decision. Similar to how I believe life should be easy, I believe that when I spend money, I should feel good about it: that I’m getting good value, and I’m not just buying things that are expensive and not being thoughtful about how I spend my money.

Recently, my husband, Daniel, and I have been trying to plan out our vacation schedule for the next year. I went through a few ideas: Disneyland Paris and Belgium, or Honolulu for spring break. I found some options that worked for our budget, but when I presented these ideas to him, he wanted something more chill, so we decided to do an all-inclusive in Cancun. Based on pricing, February made more sense than April.

Our sister-in-law also highly recommended a resort called Moon Palace the Grand, so I reached out to a Moon Palace member who offered a decent rate for the dates we wanted, and decided to book it. When I received the payment link the next day, I saw that the price of the room had gone up $500 overnight. It turns out there was a Halloween sale and I just missed it when waiting for the payment link to show up.

These are exactly the types of problems that tell me to slow down and double check if I want to proceed with the current plan. I don’t believe in paying an extra $500 for no good reason. Long story short, we started looking up other resorts and stumbled upon another resort that looks more our vibe with good value. Everything fell into place pretty quickly from there- I was able to book directly with the hotel and we are super excited for our chilled family vacation in a few months!

That’s the same instinct as the Turner story. When something gets harder or more expensive than it should be, I treat it as information, not bad luck.

One book gave me words for all of this: Reframe Your Brain by Scott Adams. It confirmed what I already believed more than it taught me something new, which is that most problems are opportunities if you look at them the right way. My favorite pop culture version is Taylor Swift turning criticism into Blank Space.

(To the side, I know Scott Adams was a polarizing figure. Regardless of his political views, I believe in good ideas with merit, and I’d rather take the useful idea and leave the rest.)

Where it gets me in trouble

When someone is venting, my brain goes straight to fixing. They wanted to be heard, and I’m already three steps into a solution.

I’ve written down a few blind spots for myself, and they all come from the same place:

• I overestimate how much control other people have. I’ve been able to change my own situation a lot, so I forget that change is harder for others.
• I get impatient when someone doesn’t change. My first thought is “why don’t they just change?” when it should be “what am I not seeing about their situation?”
• I assume everyone is optimizing. A lot of people are choosing stability, belonging or comfort, and those are just as valid.
• I rarely complain, and that can make me seem private or distant. It also means I don’t always share the good stuff, like joy and gratitude, as much as I should.

What I want to do better

Listening to people is the same skill as listening to what the world is trying to tell me. I just need to point it at people more often.

Here’s what I want to try, and if you’re a fixer too, you’re welcome to borrow them:

• Ask before I fix. Something like “Do you want help solving this, or do you just want me to listen?” Sometimes people need to be understood before they’re ready for solutions.
• Get curious about what they’re carrying. When someone says something that could sting, I try to read it as information about what they’re going through, not something aimed at me.
• Pause on “why don’t they just change?” and ask what constraint I’m missing instead.
• Say the good stuff out loud. If I’m happy or grateful, tell people, not just when something is wrong.

I care a lot about being kind and putting people first. Fixing things is how I show I care, but I’ve learned that is not how others like to receive care. Listening is usually a better way to show it, so I am trying to redirect and pause my brain when it instinctively tries to come up with solutions other people didn’t ask for.

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